Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
(Debbie) Age of Enlightenment, Age of Reason, Age of Aquarius.
It's always the age of something.
We live in the information age - Internet, satellite, cable.
Oh!
Are you sure that's your most respectable gear?
Me black tights are laddered. I had to raid the laundry basket for these.
(Carl) You've got a bit of...
Fuck me stockings!
And a bit of tit on display always brings a smile at a funeral.
Quality information is at a premium,
and those who have it want to hold on to it,
because information is dangerous.
Hey! You told me St Martin's.
- Oh, did I? I meant St Mark's. - You wrote it down.
Well, you'll only get pissed and embarrass us.
Who the fuck are you to censor where I go and don't go?
Any chance you're slightly overreacting, Mr G?
- Straighten your gusset, then I'll... - It's not me gusset...
- As head of the house, I should be told. - Told what?
Everything. Where. Who. Why. When. Where!
My role is to listen, advise, support.
- People look to me. - Only to point and laugh.
You've only bothered cos the chance of a free drink flashed before your eyes.
To pay my respects.
I knew Theresa before you were even a teardrop in my trousers.
And as for the free drink, well, you know, every cloud.
STOMACH RUMBLES
- You all right? - Indigestion.
That fucking curry that Yvonne gave us last night. I had it on my chips.
Yvonne didn't do a curry last night.
What was that green stuff on the stove, then?
Can't think.
My patience is being sorely fucking tested.
Good.
Morning.
Oh, my God! You weren't...
Don't be ridiculous.
- Were your undies in the washing basket? - Yes.
There's caustic soda in the crotch.
Piss off. We open in five.
I need to get away anyway.
- Morning. - Yeah.
We should at least try and be civil to one another.
I haven't kicked you out, have I?
You look nice.
DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS
Hey, beautiful. All set?
MANDY LAUGHS Yeah, yeah, yeah! Whoo!
I still don't see how come I can't go to this funeral.
Don't want to spoil your innocence
by pointing out you're gonna be worm food one day.
Besides, I need your help packing all this.
14 quid some saddo's willing to pay for that.
Whole set's worth a couple of hundred.
One geek selling crap to another geek.
Not exactly what the internet was invented for.
- You calling me a geek? - You looked in the mirror lately?
- What you gonna do with all the money? - Add it to the pot.
Whatever I get for the house will set me up.
We've been over this, wee man.
There's nothing for me on the Chatsworth.
I was having a riot in Ibiza till Danny...happened.
On behalf of all Theresa's family, I'd like to thank you all for coming.
And drink your fill in her blessed memory.
(All) Theresa.
Grub's good. I've not eaten since breakfast.
The talent's not bad, either.
You're moochin' at a funeral?!
Where's all that go?
I've got Johnny Vegas locked in me attic.
Must be fate. I asked round my mates, but nobody knew who you were.
- Thought I'd lost you. - Yet here I am.
Is it my turn to say something?
Or you want me to fuck off?
- So... - She was my grandmother.
On my dad's side.
He shoots, he scores.
She's coming round for a drink later.
It's weird, though. I keep getting the feeling I know her from somewhere.
You do. You shagged her about three months ago after Abba night
- at The Jockey. - She didn't say owt.
Maybe she don't remember.
Nice of you to bring the family, Frank. The kids'll appreciate that.
Dragged them out of bed, Algie. Least I could do.
- Theresa was one of a kind. - I didn't know you were so close.
When I was 15,
Theresa would have been, I don't know, pushing about 40.
But she was still fit, you know. Phew!
Breasts like Hindenburgs pointing skywards.
Lush, heart-shaped arse.
She rode me raw, Algie.
She initiated me in the pearls...
(Frank over PA)..of the flesh. It was a two-way street, though.
Old Tommy, he wasn't, you know, Errol Flynn.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK Sorry, Algie.
Is that me? This curry last night...
Testing, one, two...
Who the fuck is that idiot?
- How could she not remember? - You didn't remember her.
Oh, come on!
(Man) Fuck off!
I'm in dire fucking straits here.
I know this might be a bit arse about tit, seeing as we've already
spent the night together, but maybe I could take you for a drink sometime.
Are you asking me out at your gran's funeral?
By all accounts, Gran was a bit of a goer.
I'm sure she'd approve.
FARTS
FARTS AND GROANS
CHATTER AND EXCLAMATIONS
GROANS
Well, I can hardly stop now. Argh!
FARTS AND GROANS
You're a poof.
(Choking) Um...
Your ring tone is Copacabana.
And you pluck your eyebrows.
Yeah, that's... that's just personal grooming.
You saw The Sound Of Music three times when it was in Manchester.
Yeah, it's...
it's a morality tale.
Did Carl tell you?
I used my own amazing powers of deduction.
You know that Ian is also a homosexual?
- I've seen his membership card. - Got a proposition for you.
Hey! Do you think I've gone too far?
The eyebrows?
Some might say not far enough.
I've never seen you cook once since I met you.
I can follow a recipe, thank you. I'm not a complete idiot.
Look, get 'em sat round a table, they'll have to talk.
What are you doing?
Loss adjuster from the insurance comes tomorrow.
All me invoices have been rendered unreadable due to water damage.
- So I have to estimate. - We don't sell electrical goods.
Of course we do, Stanley.
All my stock has been tragically decimated in this fire.
There's a skip down on Raeburn Common. Go see what you can find.
Every piece of crap I drag here, I get a tenner.
What are you doin'?
I need 30 quid.
Is that a problem?
I'm scrounging through skips,
doing this to my nails, and he can take what he wants?
- What you want doing with these? - Kick fuck out of 'em.
Mark 'em as reduced, put 'em with the fire stock.
What was Debbie's quote?
"The single most humiliating day of my life."
- And that's saying something, Frank. - Well, I've had a dicky tummy, see.
And...
Even when you genuinely try to do right, you still fuck it up, don't you?
I'm cursed. Like I was Glen Hoddle in a previous life or something.
- Just listen sometimes. - I do!
I'm not talkin' about the gaps in between what you want to say.
I mean really listen.
It's an undervalued skill.
Best go in and endure the wrath of Debbie.
She's not there. They're down The Jockey.
Yvonne's got the little 'un.
Despite your reasonable tone and helpful advice,
I still fucking hate you.
Of course.
Do you like it, then?
Four hours that took.
It's a lovely surprise. Thank you, son.
Did you follow the recipe to the letter?
No.
All...proper good cooks, right, they stray from the book a bit.
It said "add sugar". But you don't add sugar to hot food, do you?
- So you replaced it with...? - Mango chutney.
Like you get in curries and that.
Mango bolognaise.
KELLY SNORTS
- Yeah. - Delicious.
Pass the salt, please, Mimi.
Certainly.
Oops.
Can we have the room, please?
- He means "get out". - Oh.
This stops now.
Her name was Maureen...
- Don't you fucking dare! - I will not live like this.
If it's all out in the open, I've got nothing left hanging over me.
- I don't wanna know. - Tough fucking titty!
Maureen. And I fell head over heels for her like an imbecilic schoolboy.
Don't ask why, cos I don't know. Something lacking at home, maybe?
A marriage long gone stagnant? Certainly.
But I am not the betraying kind, Mimi.
Never have been, throughout our marriage.
This woman...
..she had something...
..and I fell.
"Had something", did she?
She was special, was she?
You've crossed a line, Paddy. You should have left it unsaid.
Fucking Irish, fucking scum!
(Sobbing) Forever with a sob story.
Deceitful...fucking excuse for a man!
A real man would stand by his family.
Stand by his wife!
SOBBING
(Fuck!)
PORNOGRAPHIC FILM PLAYS ON TV
He's got us over a barrel.
WOMAN ON TV PANTS AND GROANS
What do you think you're doing? Your mum's in there.
Put it back on. And don't let the door hit your fat arse on the way out.
BOYS LAUGH
If you value your bollocks, lads, I suggest you make an exit now.
- You're a crook and a liar and so's she. - Your mum and dad were protecting you.
They were looking after the money, told us our dad was dead,
- cos it's always about the money. - That's not true.
What do you know? You're only here cos she's so desperate she'll shag anything.
I'm sorry.
- I'll do whatever I fucking like. - I'm sorry.
(Meena) We need to talk.
Light a match under me, you could deep-fry haddock on my arms.
I've shared a room with him for long enough to know what his tastes are.
What, and they're stuck in 1983, are they?
I'm fucking starving. Does anyone fancy...
Sorry.
(Needed the tape.)
There's four rolls on the table.
Oh, yes. So there is.
Pizza. I'm going for pizza.
No anchovies. They make me gag.
- Good day? - Brilliant.
He was really wonderful with her. And me.
But you know him in the biblical sense. Any good?
I don't remember.
Don't remember? What, not even...?
BOTH LAUGH
She wouldn't know. Never seen it.
Nothing happened.
Debbie was in no fit state to go home by herself,
and since her mates had fucked off...
I slept on the floor.
You didn't even cop a feel while she were out of it?
- Max! - 99 blokes out of 100 would.
- If he didn't, that makes him weird. - Same again?
Oh, yes, ta.
Tracy Parson. Psychology student. Paints pottery on weekends.
- All coming back to her, then? - No. Not a fucking clue.
- Ask her direct. - I shouldn't need to.
Look, I'm a really good shag, me. Max, tell her.
I'm an open-minded girl, but talking to your sister
about the ins and outs of shagging you is a little bit creepy even for me.
Pint and a Pampers, Frank? LAUGHTER
Oh, ha-ha. Very fucking droll.
Just answer your calling and pull us a pint.
That was my grandmother's funeral this morning.
For fuck's sake!
S...so... Well, that weren't deliberate.
But I didn't...
Fine! Shit in a bush, gouge one stranger
and suddenly everyone's judge, jury and fucking executioner.
You're getting it on your vest.
This is fucking humiliating!
I look like a refugee out of a shit boy band.
- Your seduction techniques are crap. - I'm only ten!
Yeah, well, you'll always be single if this is the best you can do.
TAP RUNS What are you up to?
Ah-aaah.
- Any better? - Much.
Still gonna floor that pillock next time I see him.
You can't.
He's my dad.
Why didn't you say?
- Cos I didn't want to spoil things. - Thought you'd lie all day instead?
- I didn't lie. - You didn't tell the truth.
- He got pissed at a funeral... - Blackening my granny's reputation
- isn't in the best taste, though, is it? - It takes two. He was only 15.
I can't believe you're defending him.
Against the likes of you? Always.
THUNDER RUMBLES
It's a cold night, Frank.
Something tells us you're not socialising out here by choice.
(Mimics) "You're not socialising out here by choice."
(Frank) What a day, eh?
Lucky white heather?
Don't bother coming home tonight. You're an embarrassment.
- Oh, it wasn't my fault. - No, Dad. It never is.
Never. Yet it always, always fucking happens!
Told you. Try listening.
- You can always spoon in with me. - I'll get a bed.
Very popular, I am.
Hello? Yvonne?
(Yvonne) So it weren't a scam.
It weren't done to hurt you. We had to fake your dad's death to protect us all.
(Stan) We have to continue on, just like before, Meena.
- I'm going to bed. - (Stan) I'll put the kettle on.
I just want some shelter.
Or maybe a bit of heat.
Oh...!
It's like death in here.
Never doubted you for a minute.
(Mimi) It has to be clean,
and only when I say - I don't want any of the kids there.
Don't underestimate him.
Once I walk out of here, there's no changing your mind.
He's done his worst. It's my turn now.
And, Terry, not the face. I want an open coffin.
LATCH CLICKS
What?
(Mimi) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been...well, too long since my last confession,
and I have made a terrible decision -
a life-changing decision.
I know it's a sin and I am sorry, but I've got no choice.
HE MOUTHS
I'm going through with it, regardless of what you tell me today.
And I want the Lord to know I do it with a heavy heart.
HE GRUNTS You with me, Father?
(Coughs) Yes, yes.
(Irish accent) I, er... Continue...
-..my child. - Have you got a cold?
Allergy.
Altar wine.
I'm going to murder my husband.
Well, not personally. I've arranged to have it done.
I'll understand if you want me to leave.
No, go on.
I hope you've got a free hour.
COMEDY PLAYS ON TV
What did you do?
What?
With Tracy...what's-her-fucking-name. What did you do?
Let us see if we can find out where you're going wrong.
Well...
..first we sort of...
- Right. I had her like this... - For fuck's sake!
It would help if you spoke the language.
Right. Pretend I'm her. Where should I be?
Er...on your back, I suppose.
- And where were you? - Sort of...here.
Doin' what?
You know. Mouth and fingers and stuff.
- How long? - I wasn't timing it!
I don't know. Um... until my tongue was sore.
Yeah. Nothing wrong there. Then what?
Maybe a bit of...
Or something like this.
Seems good.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
(It's her.)
He didn't come home, then?
What you did was wrong. Really fucking wrong.
He's not as tough as he makes out.
Don't know how you do it, mate. Honestly. I'm full of admiration.
FRONT DOOR BANGS
(Paddy) Up with the lark?
Got a lot on me mind.
Anything I can do to ease the burden?
Not particularly.
This tension, this fucking atmosphere all the time between you two -
it's cancerous.
Your mother and I are working through our problems. Isn't that right?
Takes time, that's all.
What needs to be done will be done.
Good.
As long as you're prepared to work at it.
- He doesn't even like her. - What's it to you?
BABY GURGLES Nothing.
I don't want him making a dick of himself.
I mean, she ain't all that.
Just tell him...
(Debbie over intercom).. you like him.
- Oh, fu... - (Max) What are you talking about?
I know he's your brother, Debs.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Oh, shut up! I don't want to hear this!
I know I said we should just be mates.
MOANS AND WAILS
I was playing hard to get. He was supposed to pick up on the signals.
What, you think you've got...
-..problems? - Hello!
- Earth calling Planet fucking Hollyoaks! - I met a bloke,
I slept with him before I knew his name.
Why are you torturing me?
I called his granny a slapper and then walked out on him.
I think I love him.
MOUTHS
- Oh. So have you tried listening? - Listening?!
I know things no person should ever know.
If I say, I'm fucked. If I don't say, I'm fucked.
You have ruined my life.
Oh. And it's not even lunchtime.
Francis.
A word.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Have you really fainted?
No.
Then come and spend some time, mano a mano.
(Ian) I don't know who I'm more worried about -
you and your weird notions of what gay men like
or him for listening to you.
- You're leaving again. - Yeah, Liam. I am.
I wanna be happy, and I'm not going to find it two doors away.
Why not?
Cos we're not an endangered species.
We don't have to mate with the first gay bloke we see.
You don't have to go halfway across the world, either.
It's exactly the same, just hotter.
Fine. I'll be a lonely poof with a suntan.
So you admit it, then.
Admit what?
That you're lonely.
I'll catch up with you.
- So, what, striking out on your own? - Maybe.
- So long as I stump you the cash? - I don't need you.
Is this what you'd like?
Cos if it is, go ahead.
- If you hate me that much... - I don't hate you.
I'd gladly do it, Chesney, for you or Meena.
Cos that's what it's like when you have kids. You love them
- more than the air you fucking breathe. - Yeah, right(!)
Do you think this is the life I dreamt for myself?
We had no choice.
Stop fucking hiding, Chesney! We were going to be on the street,
- no income... - Money, money, money!
Not fucking money! KNIFE SHRINGS
I love you, son.
CLINK!
Chesney, please!
CHILDREN LAUGH AND SQUEAL
What's with the Cheshire cat look 24/7?
Nothing.
I just wish it could always be like this.
Like what?
- Us three having a laugh, getting on. - Why shouldn't it be?
Cos real life gets in the way.
There's no reason why.
Business is good. Come and work for me. Spend every day together.
Oh, why not? You'd be brilliant.
Even better...
marry me.
Joe!
She should hear it. It concerns her too.
So? Will you?
I just fucking told 'em straight. Then I were like, "Oi! Sort it out!"
- I think it's made a difference. - I dunno, Shane. There's a lot of hurt.
They said they'd try, didn't they, Kel?
Tell him.
Well, I wasn't exactly feeling the love in the room.
- Pint? - Yeah, please, mate.
Micky!
Just come out. I saw you.
What you doing?
Not getting humiliated any more.
Locking yourself in the public toilet is the dignified response, is it?
- What was that shit all about last night? - Yeah, go on. Laugh it up.
- I'm not laughing. - It was Liam's idea.
I haven't thought about you in... a long time.
You know, I've moved on.
But he talked me into it.
And I made a dick of meself.
- You didn't make a dick... - Yes, I did!
But it's all right. It's a reminder.
Of what?
To look after meself first and last.
- Micky... - No, I'm cool. Seriously.
Just go and do your own thing, Ian.
I won't lose any sleep.
10p. Add it to your fund.
- I ain't got a fund yet. - Having second thoughts?
You're a shit-stirring little bastard.
Summat to say?
No.
- Hi. Is Debbie in? - Are you the new boyfriend?
Er....um...no, er...not exactly.
Debbie, your new boyfriend's here!
I was out of line.
I'm sorry.
I like you.
You're funny and spunky and loyal...
..and beautiful. I like being with you.
- Is that it? - More or less.
You hear all of that?
Every word.
Good.
(Frank) Look, I admit it -
I was legging it to the funeral for the free swallow,
but I don't want to know about my children's love lives
or my neighbours' insurance scams-stroke-death falsification.
It is not my place to be aware of marital struggles
of dear, dear friends whom I consider extended family.
I'm weighed down by too much information, Paddy.
I have no fucking clue what you just said.
And why in God's name do you think it would interest me?
Y-y-you brought me here to...
You were gonna...because...
..you know I know...
Know what?
It's, er...nothing.
Someone intends to do me harm.
I don't yet know who to trust.
So your role here is a double-edged insurance policy. On the one hand,
you'll serve as a witness to what is said.
- You're gonna try and talk him out of it? - Hell, no.
I'm going to offer him twice the fee to shoot my wife.
BELL ON DOOR TINKLES
- My other role? - You're my human shield, Francis.
BELL ON DOOR TINKLES
Why? Why, though? Paddy, why reveal all this information to me?
I am totally unreliable. Well known for letting down all and sundry.
- Shut the fuck up. - No, Paddy...
Paddy, Paddy... You can't do it. You can't kill your wife.
Yes, she may be the harridan from hell,
- but that's beside the point. - She took a contract out on me!
Yeah, fair point, but... Yeah, but...but... And... Yeah, but...
And more fool her for getting one of your colleagues to do it.
You're flapping like a teenage girl. Keep a low profile.
If it goes belly up for me, give a statement.
If it goes in my favour...
..I'll let you keep your legs in return for your silence.
BELL TINKLES
SIGHS DEEPLY
Can we talk?
Nothing to talk about.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
What for?
For always blanking you and not treating you with respect.
Yeah, well, cheers.
Enjoy France.
Ibiza's in Spain.
And I'm not going.
Not yet, any road.
I'm not ready to leave yet.
- How come? - Don't push it.
Kettle only takes a minute to boil.
MOUTHS
FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING STAIRS
He's still there.
- Three hours. - I don't care.
You've got a nice-looking fella
prepared to sit in the middle of a public thoroughfare
with no toilet break
just in the hope that you might talk to him.
- You said you loved him this morning. - No, I didn't.
I said "maybe". I might.
- I'm meeting her for a drink. - Yeah, what do you want, a medal?
Freaks.
Well?
I'm not talking to him. You know, treat 'em mean.
I'm going for a walk.
To The Jockey, by any chance?
No.
- Stood you up, has she? - No. She's a bit late, that's all.
You wanna get the priorities right in your head.
- How so? - You don't even care about this bird,
some girl you'll likely never see again.
You should focus your energies on the future.
Which is...?
DOOR OPENS
Twins!
I didn't shag her, I shagged her.
It was her sister. I shagged her sister.
- Where'd you get the chair? - My house.
Got a car?
Brought it on the bus.
So you planned this?
If you'd spoken to me earlier, I wouldn't have needed it.
I'd just be an idiot who carried a chair across Manchester on a bus for no reason.
It's not cute, you know.
It could be seen as creepy. You know, like a stalker.
- So you're just gonna sit there? - Yep.
Why?
Because you kissed me, and you don't strike me
as the type of girl who just kisses anybody.
Suit yourself.
(Look round. Come on, look round.)
(Shouts) Mimi Maguire!
Katherine Mary Joy Maguire!
Get your big old arse out here.
DOOR OPENS
FOOTSTEPS
So here we are.
Did you think I wouldn't find out?
- What are you waiting for? - (Paddy) I don't think so, Mimi.
See, I've also compensated young Terrence here to take a pop at you.
Two for one.
- Spring sale. - It's never too late
to think again, you know.
My thoughts precisely.
It's none...
or both, Mimi.
What do you think?
- I fucking hate you! - I understand.
And I'm sorry.
I'm not too fond of myself, neither.
That's why changes have to happen, whether you like them or not.
He did stray from the fold, Mimi, but it was never consummated.
I mean, what man doesn't window-shop?
- How the fuck do you know that? - Yes. How do you know?
Intuition...empathy...
- What changes? - Fundamental ones.
The kind that take a long time to negotiate.
Call it off, Terry.
You can go now, Terry.
- We can deal with this. - It's gone too far.
(Mimi) What are you talking about?
You don't think I do this for the profit margin, do you? I've made arrangements
with certain parties about business opportunities in this area.
A lot of people are going to be very happy to see the back of you two.
Look, it's not really my argument. I'd just be cannon fodder.
Do not move a fucking muscle.
I've got a dicky tummy.
You can't half rabbit on, bitch.
- Who the fuck are you? - Debbie's new boyfriend.
- No, he's not. - Yes, he is.
You love him.
She is infatuated with Carl.
They have run two insurance scams now over Kash's death,
which they may actually have played a part in, willing or otherwise.
These two took out hits on each other
cos he had an ultimately unsuccessful dalliance with a psycho
who turned him into a heroin addict
and I don't ever want to talk to any of you again about anything.
I have no desire to know.
Is that enough listening for you?
Tell me again about your relationship expertise, sweetheart.
(Debbie) Information is a dangerous commodity.
If it's misused and misunderstood, it can have real consequences.
But information is only words. Actions speak louder.
Much louder.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I've been having impure thoughts, Father.
(Irish accent) Oh? About whom?
- Is it necessary to say? - If one wishes the Lord's forgiveness.
Well, it's Frank. Frank Gallagher.
He sends a quiver through me loins.
Father?
Father? Father!